Demystifying { My } Depression

In this ongoing war that seems to be my life, I have survived battle No. 13 of depression that started in May. Though, I emerge 'again' with my fare share of fresh battle scars, I also emerge a stronger, wiser, better person for having fought another battle. No lie, I'm quite tired of the fight + still wonder, "When will this war finally will be over?"


What's The Point? 
Each time I begin to descend, I question, "What's the point?" To be completely honest, depression sucks worse than anything else. Its impact is magnified because there's little that the average person can do to help; regardless of how many well-meaning friends 'insist' on being involved + trying to help. It's simply not their fight, it's yours to face. It can seem very hopeless (particularly when you believe that you're not strong enough to win the battle), but the key word here is 'seem'.

In reality, even in a weakened state of depression, you are more than capable + strong enough to fight + survive. It just takes some time to rediscover those realities in yourself. In the process, you learn more about your true character + how tough you really are. You'd think that by now, after 12 episodes, I'd be an expert + this one would have been easier for me. It wasn't. I forget those realities, too. Each time, the tide turns when I finally get to the point where I stop running + face the beast head on. And each time, I'm surprised that I not only win the battle, but also much more quickly with much less effort than I ever anticipated.

Those self-discoveries + lessons are some of the hidden, never-mentioned benefits of experiencing depression. They are still impossible for me to realize while in it + a little tough for me to appreciate on the other side of it. It's so easy to forget that depression does serve a purpose in forcing you (whether you want to or not, have the time to or not, or are under obligations or not) to stop completely, learn about who you really are + what you really want, evaluate everything + then change or eliminate the things that are not serving you well.


Lessons Learned + Doing Things Differently
This episode was particularly difficult for many reasons. Like each episode before it, this one brought with it a whole new set of obstacles. The rules change each time, too.

To start off, I don't recommend anyone else keeping a running tally of their episodes. When I started No. 13 in May, I specifically said to myself, "That's it?! 13 is too fucking many. I'm done dealing with this every four months." That negative perspective alone kept me in it for much longer than necessary through late August. Now that I am on the upside, I tend to be too optimistic, focusing on the enormity of merely surviving at all + having a 13-0 record, which is possibly worthy of a some sort of metal. Inevitably, I make the same really cute, naive proclamation, 'Never again!'

In therapy, I've picked up the skill of reframing, or spinning both extremes in a little more realistic light for the future, which sounds something like this:

There's no escaping the ups + downs of life. It's not like I'm going to reach a magic number of episodes where I'll finally stop experiencing depression... unless I somehow stop experiencing the full spectrum of human emotions, losing the positive (joy, excitement, humor, playfulness) as well as the negative (anger, irritation, anxiety, depression). But, as I learn more about myself + about the causes of my depression (both internal + external), I can alter how much those episodes impact my daily life. Currently, I get knocked out of commission for several months on end. In the future, I can learn to lessen their crippling effects. Perhaps, I can even continue to function through them, improving the overall quality of my life + relationships. In time, I may merely experience mild tremors that barely rattle the dishes rather than full-blown, life-shattering earthquakes.

One of those ways of altering the impact of future episodes is how I approach things while I'm on the upside. Historically, after an episode, I am so relieved + excited that I'm out of the hole that I over-engage, over-participate + over-extend myself; almost to make up for the months that I lost while down. Unfortunately, that over-enthusiasm sets me up for another episode like clockwork in about four months when I begin to burn out from all the activity + one minor (or not-so-minor event) upsets the balance. The world I've just rebuilt comes crashing down upon me once again.

By nature, I'm a little high energy + I'm interested in a lot of things. I'm also prone to anxiety which is aggravated by too much activity. Couple all that with not taking care of myself + my depressions become a little less mysterious + unwarranted. This time, I'm doing the basics that I think I can maintain while down instead of matching my energy while up. Less involvement, less socializing, less activities, less strenuous job... in short, a less demanding life. Dare I say, a simpler life?

With a shift to less, quality becomes more important than quantity. In this experiment, I'm trying: to maintain one valuable activity like restorative yoga that I do at home to relax instead of active involvement in three or more groups; to build a smaller circle of friends rather than being on Facebook; and to work at a skilled job where I use my hands + see the results of my efforts rather than getting stuck in my own head too much on a computer. More on all of those changes in future articles. We'll also see if this experiment yields any marked improvement.

I'm being extra careful with what I do with my free time + resisting the urge to get involved with anything new until the spring, maybe longer. If for no other reason, I'm completely over rebuilding my life every few months + I'm waaay tired of screwing those over who get caught up in the wake of my implosions. I owe many an apology again to those victims of this most recent episode + I will be doing so over the next several months. Hopefully, no further negative consequences result from this one + it's not something that I'll have to continue to repeat in the future.


Liberation Is Awesome; Backlash Sucks. Hard.
Like any of my other experiments, the intent for this blog will continue to transform as I learn by trial + error. The errors are many + kind of humorous in retrospect, but they are all adjustable.

My original lofty goal was to break the silence by telling my story and encouraging others to do the same. While it was initially liberating + empowering to share my story, it surely backfired on me with just as much intensity when I began to slide again in May.

Now that people in general kind-of 'know' what I deal with, everyone is eager to help; unfortunately it's usually misguided. In essence, I'm still dealing with the same old things alone, but now it's on a stage before an audience in a blinding spotlight. I started sliding more quickly when a few people 'outed' me on Facebook of my newest episode, began recruited others to get involved + became little detectives to figure out what was going on, some threatening to take excessive action (like calling the police) if I didn't let them into my private battle.

At a time when all I wanted was to deal with this episode in peace like I had so many times before, the result was an overwhelming amount of contact in every medium (fb posts, emails, texts, calls, mail and a few new stalkers) who all wanted to know if I was 'okay.' Conveniently, one of the first things to go when I'm depressed is the ability to communicate. On top of that, I knew that wasn't really okay, but that I would be if left alone to deal. I didn't have the energy to lie. I really didn't have the energy to get into long discussions about it, which resulted from any response that I tried to give individually. I knew it would be rude to respond or post, "Just fucking leave me alone?!" Instead, I just gave up responding at all, to the dismay of all.

While I know that all those people were well-meaning, genuinely concerned + only intended to help, their outreach did the opposite. But, how could they have known that their actions brought more attention to what was wrong -- how non-functional I had become again -- which is the perfect soil for me to berate myself for failing yet again? The only thing I'm good at while down is beating the hell out of myself for being down. 'Vicious cycle' hardly does it justice.

I realized the hard way that there is absolutely a time to 'suffer in silence' + there's nothing wrong with doing so. In fact, its necessary. I needed the time away to calm down, recuperate, learn to be compassionate with myself, gain perspective + above all else figure things out for myself. No one else can do that work for me. Among other things, it would rob me of the valuable lessons + resulting confidence that I gain afterward.


Changes to Demystifying Depression
I still enjoy sharing my story in person + seeing how my risk of vulnerability sometimes breaks open the conversation for another person to share their story, maybe for the first time. It is refreshing + a huge relief to be honest; not having to speak in code or trying to masquerade as someone without problems.

However, I was discouraged by how little I could do to help beyond empathizing. Mind you, to be able to say, 'I know what you're feeling' in regard to depression, anxiety or suicidal thinking is more than most can offer who have never faced such trials. Alas, it only goes so far. There's a fine line between sharing + rehearsing, too. By talking too much about depression, telling the same old worn-out stories over + over, liberation quickly morphs into reliving, which is not as helpful in the long-term healing process.

What's beyond empathy + rehearsing? Sharing the lessons learned through experiencing all those ups + downs. Maybe what I've discovered will help someone else, too; maybe not. Within the vast field of writing, I've rediscovered that I'm good at sharing my first-hand experiences, but it's much more valuable when accompanied by self-analysis + insight as well as subsequent revelations that come well after an experience.

I've unnecessarily clung to criticism of my writing as much too clinical (+ much too wordy) for much too long. There is a benefit to being able to observe without getting too caught up in emotions, stories, circumstances or other people's lives. It's actually helpful for me to work through my experiences + learnings in writing, which both solidify the lessons + provide the documentation that I can revisit + benefit from the next time I'm 'in it'. Perhaps a certain distance also provides the room for other readers to reflect + consider if the lessons I've learned can be applied to the situation that they are facing.

With this new knowledge, I'm not as interested in getting others to tell their own story on this blog. It's really a decision that each person needs to be make for themselves after considering all the benefits + many minuses. Plus, it's time consuming + I'm not as good as telling some else's story as I had thought. I've found other blogs + sites that are well established in telling the personal stories of mental illness. It seemed like a good idea all those months ago, but I think it's actually kind of depressing to realize how many people deal with depression in our country -- Ha?! Lesson learned, but more on how it many be a signal of something wrong, not with people, but with our culture in future articles.

Thus, I have re-dubbed this blog 'Demystifying My Depression'. I've added a 'Recommended Readings' page as well. I've been reading many good books that have been encouraging, aided in my perspective shift + have given me new stress reducing techniques to try out. Most are by down-to-earth, practicing psychologists who are sharing wisdom from the trenches in easy to relate to reads. Amazon links are provided for the books, but I've got all of them from the library (ie: free). Tidbits that have resonated with me from these books + articles will also become the springboard for many articles on this blog.

So, it's good to be back again. Welcome + please fasten your seat belts for my wild ride.