Not on Facebook

I cut the cord. The one that had me in a stranglehold. The one that had me glued to my computer screen for hours on end each + every day (hmm... sounds like an addiction, no?). The one that is simply emotionally unhealthy for me. The one that is also know as Facebook, which I'll use as an example in this article of how most problems result from the multifaceted interplay of external + internal factors; my most recent revelation + subsequent liberation.


Eenie, Meanie, Meinie...
This new-to-me discovery comes after years of spent energy trying to find the 'logical' reasons for + answers to my problems. While there are absolutely cases where a major traumatic event is the source of difficulties for a lot of people, for the rest of us, it's a combination of all the external circumstances + intern motivators (including personality + all past experiences), not any blaring or obvious one in particular. I've concluded that it's natural to go to extremes in searching for answers, but doing so ultimately misses the mark + masks the real problem.

On the one end, I have searched for that one, simple-to-explain, catch-all cause that I can blame or write off as the source of all my problems. Whether it be a mildly difficult childhood (whose wasn't?), the imperfect (human) parents, a challenging job or a so-frustrating-I-could-kill-him (at times) boyfriend, I've pinned my problems on those externals, only to damage relationships in the process. Unfortunately, those 'reasons' when isolated + illuminated didn't fit the bill very well to account for all my current problems.

On the other side, I often turn a blind-eye to all the small things in my life, underestimating the collection of low-level irritations that exist (some that I allow to exist) below my radar, which inevitably gang-up on me at a moment of vulnerability (stress) to create a gigantic beast of a problem with seemingly little or no cause.  This one, I've discovered, is often because I have a tendency to ignore myself + any signals that my body sends to alert me of an immanent meltdown because either: 1) I'm living 'out-of-the-moment' (worrying about the future or beating myself up over the past); or 2) I don't think that I should not have any human-tendencies, equating any inadequacy with personal weakness + failure, even though I know (in theory) it's not realistic to be superhuman -- for me, this is perfectionism.


Murder by 'Shoulds'
The infinitely varying degrees of interaction between the internal + external make for a great guessing game in how a person will be effected by any event they experience. It's why siblings can experience the same environment growing up, but have dramatically different outcomes in adulthood. Or, the analogy my counselor often uses, it's why 10 eye-witnesses can see the same event + give 10 different stories -- they're focusing on different aspects + their experience is internally filtered, interpreted through personality + past experiences, as well.

However, the expectations for how people 'should' act or react + the invalidation (what you tell yourself or what others tell you) that comes from any deviation from the norm are real sources of conflict + stress. I've discovered that the harsh criticisms I tell myself now is usually a direct quote of what someone had told me in the past. Sometimes, the comments were even not directed at me specifically, but I took them to heart, compiling a growing list of "Things Not to Do" so I could stay out of trouble, avoid making people angry + getting yelled at, be a good girl, not be a burden to anyone, avoid teasing, etc. I still catch myself adding to that list today which is why I can't watch some TV where the host is tearing up someone's actions, but not to their face (of course) so that there's no way to hear the other side of the story. Chelsey Handler, Steven Colbert + Bill Maher all get under my skin... I think it also has to do with the tone of their voices + attitudes as well that remind me of someone from the past. I often hear myself parroting their critical words when I'm on the downside, so I try to limit my intake of them while I'm on the upside.

Now that I'm more aware of how much words actually can hurt you, contrary to the old playground banter of sticks + stones, my fave thing that people do is when anyone tells me how I'm supposed to feel, usually in the form of how I'm not supposed to feel (either sends my blood boiling): "You shouldn't be so angry.""How can you be so sad?""Why are you being so emotional?""Don't be so sensitive.""What's wrong with you?""Oh, it can't be that bad."   



Farewell Facebook
Which finally brings me to Facebook. It's not that it's inherently evil (though, after the drawn-out process of deleting an account, I do think that it might be just a little:), it's more of a fact that for me, it's extremely unhealthy + negatively effects my emotional well-being. Cutting it out is much easier than trying to change some aspects of my personality that make me, me.

I'll try to keep my complaining about it to a minimum (emphasis on 'try') + try to remain objective by focusing on aspects of it (external) + how they effect me internally. You may find that some apply to you, but many probably will not. Hopefully, it serves as a good example for how you can search for your own internal factors + how you can remove the externals that you have control over while taking steps to adjust for the rest.

"What's on Your Mind?" 
As you know, Facebook provides 450 characters, plus room for a pic or a blurb from an article to express to the world "what's on your mind." In observing all the posts from Friends, it has been my experience that with so much room, what's on most people's mind is a lot of bitching about whatever is happening to them or around them at any given moment. For Facebook Pages, it's the opposite: businesses are usually overly optimistic and/or self-boasting to compete for attention. Either extreme isn't great... there's little middle-ground on the spectrum of human emotions.

Recently, I watched a sci-fi movie about superhumans with telepathy. Like most of these movies, the storyline includes how the telepath gets overwhelmed with hearing everyone's thoughts all at once, physically crumbles into a ball in torment + fights internally to get all the voices to stop. Facebook is kind of like that for me. It's not natural to know what everyone is thinking at one time... there's no possible way to be in conversation with hundreds of people at once in the 'real-world.' Plus, the filter for what people would normally share with relative strangers in the real-world setting is apparently broken online. In a crowd, you can focus your attention on one person + block out the rest to background noise. On Facebook, everything gets the same level of attention. Sure, I could simply hide a post or unlike/unfriend (see previous Facebook post on my old blog, OTV), but after a while, I found that I was hiding or deleting everything + everybody.

Over the years, I've discovered that I absorb other people's emotions. It's sometimes thought to be the hallmark of being an introvert (at heart) because I become physically + emotionally drained by too much social interaction where as extroverts tend to get energized by the same interactions. Some of my more recent readings, like the book, "Highly Sensitive Person," have backed up what I have been experiencing in a new light + revealed that I'm not alone; 15 to 20 percent of the population have these traits. This book in particular also helped me to realize that there are benefits to being more sensitive -- this blog would be one example as self-insight is a product of "a rich + complex inner life." It's just that in a society that is dominated by + idolizes "confident, bold extroverts," being more sensitive is misunderstood as shy + often criticized more than celebrated simply because it's different, not the majority.

So, even though I would scan the Newsfeed quickly + only stop to fully read a few posts, I would still pick up on the overall negative tone, which influenced my own emotional state. I became more critical + I began complaining more as well. When you start coloring your world in negatives, you lose all sight of the positives that are also all around you. Without that counterbalance to break your narrow focus, a negative perspective becomes habitual; depression is not too far behind.

Too Much of Too Many
Information overload on Facebook comes in many forms. As I just mentioned, it's straight-up information overload to scan so many posts of 'what people are thinking' at one time, in one sitting. From a purely user-interface standpoint (part of my former life as a designer), the length of posts with pics + article blurbs constantly break up any hope of a rhythm in the Newsfeed; meaning your eye is constantly jumping, which is stimulating (not relaxing) + for me, unnerving + irritating.

The modes of contact on Facebook are diverse to accommodate everyone's individual communication preferences. Problem is that on the receiving end, you can get bombarded by:

• fb emails (if done en mass, you are part of the conversation whether or not you wanted on that train), 
• wall posts, which shows up in everyone's Newsfeed... so if someone innocently expresses a concern about your well-being, now everyone knows about it + joins in,
• notifications: people tagging you in a post, new comments made to something you've commented on on other walls/posts/events or event invites (oh, the endless invites), 
• friend requests (usually from people you've never met), and
• instant messages via chat (though, I learned quickly to always be 'offline'). 

On top of your own personal profile, just forget it if you create an event or have a Facebook Page (or you are shared admin on a number of them), with its own wall + notifications -- it's no wonder I go away for months on end in hiding.

Walls Are Bad
There's something weird about the wall function on Facebook. It's a place where my own posts are documented, which makes sense to me. But, the function that allows others to post to my wall is where violations occur. The posts are usually something that should be in an email... not for everyone to see like a street-bill. While I was out, my wall started looking like an abandoned storefront that got plastered by dozens of flyers. Because posts show up in other's Newsfeeds, once one person posts, they multiply like crazy.

The intent behind the posts were sincere concern, but as I read more + more of them, a little ball of rage grew... even after I was on the upswing. I think it's the real-world equivalent of being talked about behind your back. Usually you only catch wind of such talk by a narc-ie friend. Online, Facebook was my painfully detail-oriented narc that not only alerted me often to such talk occurring, but also chronologically documented all the discussions about me while I was out for five months.

Perhaps I should have wrote, "Post No Bills," early on. But, I didn't think it was the world's business to be in on my battle. Plus, when I'm just hanging on by a strand in depression, worrying about easing everyone's mind is pretty low on my survival list. Sad but true.

The Joy of Disconnecting
The resurfacing on Facebook after four+ months like I do is much more difficult + anxiety-inducing because: 1) I've lost my information tolerance to handle everything all at once; 2) everything is different, since Facebook is in perpetual beta-testing (non-nerd translation: it's always being modified so you have to relearn how to use it on a regular basis + the pop-up tutorials just get in the way); and 3) the red-flag alerts berate me because I have 15+ friend requests, 55+ messages, 300+ notifications + 60+ wall posts. It's kind of laughable when Facebook says "Welcome back!" upon logging-on after months... it's as if I'm a newbie on it for the first time again.

The good thing about taking a vacation from Facebook is that I realized the following: 1) my life did not end because I wasn't on everyday or every few hours to stay on top of what's happening; 2) after  a time of withdraw from being in-the-know, I cared less about what I thought I was missing; 3) my stress level went down considerably... when I go online now with fresh eyes, I can see how stimulating + overwhelming it actually is; 4) there is life beyond Facebook... in fact, my life improved greatly while offline.

I'm old-school in that when I was a youngen, things were single purpose + weren't with you at every moment of the day. The phone was just a phone with a rotary dial (ha!) + a tether that limited your conversation to a five foot diameter section of your house. TV was only interesting for a few hours a day either in the evening or on Saturday morning. Internet didn't exist (well, like today) + the typewriter was just something you played on. Things went downhill for me when I got an iPhone this spring + had the ability to be accessible + connected at. all. times.

My vacation from the internet taught me the joy + peacefulness of disconnecting that I'd lost little by little over the years. I love to go for walks + leave my phone in the car. Gasp?! you say? I've yet to be eaten by a bear or get lost on the paved walking loop at North Park. If people call, the phone's rarely with me + my voicemail is usually full (thanks telemarketing bots + harassing creditors). I get back to the person eventually + the delay is almost never a big deal. Same with texts + emails... wall posts +  tags are even further down the list. Getting Things Done (GTD) philosophy has taught forever about the productivity boost you get by checking email only once or twice a day. I've discovered that there's also a huge sanity component to GTD; the realization that I am not that important + that things are rarely ever so dire that my immediate response is required. The world never ends + I'm more balanced, which is much more of a life-or-death necessity for me.


Life After Facebook
Because I'm just as tired of writing this as you are as tired of reading, I'll wrap-up quickly with a how-I-did-it... it's not as difficult as you might think. Did I completely disown social media? Of course not. There are aspects of Facebook that I liked: my networking connections, which I moved to LinkedIn + the ability to stay in the loop on local happenings, which I now follow on Twitter, in much shorter-format.

Deactivating my account took some searching... the Facebook gods have hidden it in "Security" instead of the logical "Account Settings" where other info like password + email are housed. What solidified my decision was Facebook's response to my deactivation... not just "Are you sure?" but the more scary-controlling-spouse way of manipulatation: "Mike will miss you""Lucas will miss you""Raedun will miss you" all with the tagged pics of you + them + the suggestion to send them a message so they can dissuade you from leaving the fold. Weird... borderline evil.

After talking with a friend after the fact, I discovered that deactivating is not the same as deleting. Deleting an account is much more challenging because you have to manually delete everything from your profile (time consuming after years of activity), deactivate the account + then send Facebook an email to delete everything else on their end. I guess the Facebook dealers would rather you stay hooked... again, reminiscent of an addiction.

The funniest thing is that years ago the simplicity of LinkedIn + Twitter used be a deal-breaker for me. Now the robust nature of Facebook is draining + the once paradoxical appeal of single-functionality Twitter is refreshing. Never say never, I guess.