Life In Repair: Mental Health Breakie

Assumption: A slip is the inevitable precursor of a face-plant.

The last few weeks + this past week in particular has been intense + activity-filled. So much so, that I'm recognizing the early warning signs of imminent meltdown. Well... imminent if I attempt to power through.


Initial Indicators
The signs = irritability + fatigue.

The irritability boiled over yesterday morning into rage-filled outrage over an event on Friday night. While I believe that event was justifiably frustrating, I've recognized that my level of frustration is a little disproportionate to the stressor.

When I realized throughout the day yesterday that I was stewing about it + becoming extreme in my reaction (ruminating is not usually a good thing), I immediately recognized what was happening + shifted gears.

I forgot about the event specifically + recognized my reaction as an early warning sign of something more devious brewing below the surface... an oncoming episode of depression.


Copacetic to Catastrophic + Back Again
The warning signs + phases of this cycle typically progress as such:
Note: each bullet point phase could cover a span a few days to a few months... once again, life is not completely predictable or perfect. 

1. Sacrificing self-care: this happens slowly, innocently, insidiously over several months while I take on more activities. 'Out-of-nowhere,' from my perspective, the energy deficit from not taking care of myself sneaks up on me + catches up with me all of the sudden, which leads to...
    
   
2. >> Irritability + Fatigue: at this point in the past, I would have my schedule so packed full with zero leeway + I would feel sooo obligated to too many responsibilities, that I wouldn't allow myself to stop to rest. Powering through leads to...
   
   
3. >> Explosive Rage: my poor boyfriend, bless his soul for such patience with me, is usually the victim of this phase + the next. I become agitated for being trapped in this spread-to-thin, depended-upon-too-much situation that I've constructed for myself like a prison. When I start feeling like a caged animal, I act out like a caged animal. I go ballistic at the slightest drop of a hat. All that rage directed at everything else leads to...
    
4. >> Dissatisfaction with Life: in complete denial that I could have caused such distress, I begin systematically assuming that it must be some outside factor. I blame everything + begin taking the steps to eliminate my perceived poisons. I end relationships, I quit jobs, I pick up + move, etc, etc, etc all in an attempt to identify the root cause. Slowly + sadly, I begin to come to the harsh realization that it's not them... I'm trying to escape me. It's only an inkling of truth + it's kinda too late because damage has been done to everything else, which leads to... 
    
5. >> Empty Numbness: this is the unnerving calm before the storm. It's not the good kind of quiet personal resolution or acceptance. Nope. It's the bad kind of shock + awww caused by regret, leading to self-loathing over rash decisions to stop the rage. Additionally, my emotions rebel by giving me the silent treatment after being ignored, suppressed or denied for months on end. My body is a jerk sometimes, but it's for my own good... if I were able to keep powering through, I would inevitably die from exhaustion. This part of the process is a last resort, a fail-safe system, an emergency shut-off level pulled to interrupt the unhealthy, over-extended way I'm trying to live my life, which leads to...
    
6. >> Off-the-Charts Anxiety + Over-Stimulation: from the time of awakening until I go to bed, a pit forms in my stomach, my brain sends the signal to pump chemicals through my body like it's going out of business, putting me on high-alert all day long. Sleep is the only relief. What sucks is that my body begins to build a habit from it. Every day it initiates the panicked fight-or-flight response upon the totally-not-life-threatening-event of merely waking up + facing another day. This is the point when I finally stop living in denial + fully admit that there's a problem. Unfortunately, by this time it's too little too late. The emergency system has already been triggered + the countdown is on. There's no stopping the self-destruct sequence from here, which leads to...
     
   
7. >> Crash + Burn: into full-blown depression; almost like adrenal burnout from the fight/flight of the previous two+ weeks of high anxiety. It's my body's last ditch attempt to get me to rest... finally... But it's not a perfect, ideal system. While my body is burned-out, my mind is still on high-anxiety overload. It is a vicious cycle that is very difficult to break, addressing one further aggravates the other. Thankfully, I recently discovered Restorative Yoga methods to balance mixed states: depression in the body paired with anxiety in the mind.
    
   
8. >> Suicidal Ideation/Obsession: I recognized during my last bout that this phase is simply my ultimate form of avoidance. There's a very reasonable + logical inability to deal with any mild-to-mega stressors anymore... particularly under emergency survival mode. Believe it or not, there is a place that exists beyond burn-out. Hell is real. This is it. It is not pleasant. Contrary to popular belief, being in this phase does not mean that I actually want to die (though I do have to rediscover that truth for myself each time)... it just becomes a short-term strategy for relief from too much. Sample internal monologue: "I won't have to deal with that (bill, person, situation, soul-sucking job/project, tension, stress, [fill in the blank]) today because I won't be here tomorrow." Unfortunately, maladaptive coping mechanisms always provide short-term relief at really high-cost, long-term, negative consequences... this one being fatal if the stressors are high enough + you don't realize in time that it's the relief from stress that you seek, not the end of life as you know it. The two are not mutual intertwined. It is possible to find relief + still live. Even if life is sucking super bad in the present moment, it does get better again. Trust me... I've been at this phase 13 times + have lived to tell the tale. You'll claw your way back from it, too. Clawing back leads to...
    
   
9. >> Finally Facing the Beast: head-on for an epic battle. Epic in my head, which is why I try to avoid it for months. When I realize (yet again... not sure why I always forget this important one) that I don't really want to die, that I'm just running away from my problems like I used to when I was a kid, things change quickly. Very quickly. An aside: I sprayed Grandpa (a big bear of an old man) w/the garden hose by accident when I was like 5 years old + ran away for several hours to avoid the fallout. I was certain I'd be spanked + I had vowed at 4 yrs old that I would do whatever it took to avoid that consequence again. In reality, I probably wouldn't have been spanked for such an accident. My parents were not evil, ya know?Anyway... I've been running away from perceived/feared fallout ever since... never stopping to realize that the thing I fear may not happen. The battle I feared is actually a battle surprisingly easy to win once I stop running away from it, turn + stand my ground to fight it. The enemy is not as scary, fierce or powerful as it seems from my frantic glances back while on the run. Oh, + by the way, the enemy is me. All of these vicious-cycle-shattering realizations, lead to...
    
10. >> Dealing with Life Again: I sigh over my nearly fatal silliness of running from myself + begrudgingly begin to deal with life again. Tackling stressors that I've magnified by not dealing with them... little by little. Funny thing about life is that the Laws of Physics still apply on a metaphysical level. It's initially more challenging to get this body at rest to begin to move again. Once I do get moving, momentum comes into play, making it easier + easier to get back to full health again fairly quickly (usually less than a month) with new revelations + lessons learned, which leads to...
     
11. >> Being Awesome: I ride the momentum into my fully-renewed, revitalized, reinvigorated awesomeness. A lot of the baggage that I was carrying around before the fall has been incinerated in the crash + burn (see: Triumphant, the Phoenix rises yet again). I'm a lot lighter, freer + have a better understanding of myself. I know what my passions are + become super focused on what I want to accomplish with my life. I have a sense of purpose. It's is a great time to be alive. I'm over-optimistic that nothing can/will get in my way. What actually is happening is that momentum that I rode in on is still carrrying me. I forgot to step off of that magic carpet + live in this present state. Instead, I'm heading into overdrive, which leads to... [Skip to bullet number 1 + start cycle all over again]

An Imperfect Circle
That's the detailed description of my cyclical roller-coaster of a life that I've lived with regular frequency for the last 6 years. The frequency being four months up (9, 10, 11, 1 + 2) + four months down (3-8... most of the time spent in 8 reliving the same hell, day in + day out like Groundhog Day for 2+ months).

Standing today in Point 2: Irritability + Fatigue is a little scary... for good reason. But not without hope of interrupting this familiar sequence from progressing any further.

Or, maybe a better way to view it is that I'm proactively working to fast-forward ahead from 2 to 9/10. Completely by-passing the denial, anxiety + crash + burn emergency sequence to deal with the matter at hand: over-extension + over-exertion.


The Restorative Power of the Four Rs
In honor of my fave OLP song In Repair, this mental health breakie is entitled Life In Repair 2012 or #LIR2012. For the next two weeks, it will be a time to rest, relax, re-evaluate + re-focus.

I'm tired for sure. Compensation for that immediate need is top priority. The remedy = rest + relaxation.

But, why am I tired? Because I'm doing too much. AND too much is probably largely due to things that I don't need to be doing. I've gotten myself into the place of obligation instead of passion. Re-evaluation + re-focus are my remedies here.

Chris Guillebeau in The Art of Non-Conformity presents a To-Stop List strategy as a way to deal with too much. It's the antithesis of a To-Do List.

I'll be listing all the things I'm involved in + taking a sharp axe to those things that are not serving me well... time/soul-sucking obligations. Sucks because they simply exist outside of my passion.

Though most of my involvement is for worthwhile + worthy causes, for me they quickly transform into poisons, if I'm doing them out of obligation.

Not cool.


Guidelines for Family, Friends, Acquaintances (New + Old)
Since all of you closest to me have been begging me for an outline of how to help... here it is.

First of all, please don't misinterpret my reason for writing. I am NOT shining the Bat Signal, desperate for a dark knight to come + save me from myself.

Irritability is a very early warning sign of exhaustion; it's very possible for me to head off the downward spiral into depression by intervening with this 2 week timeout. The fact that I am able to write/communicate is a very good sign that I'm not too far gone... there's much hope that a rebound is possible.

So, guidelines for respecting + providing old-tired-eyes-Stephie with time + space for healing:

• Let me say first that this is not your invitation to contact me en mass. If you would like to send encouragement, please, please, PLEASE limit your expression of care/concern to the comments below; not in every form of communication available to man. I know your intentions are well-meaning but what you don't realize is that your texts, calls, emails, Fb messages/wall post comments, mail, unexpected visits, etc. are just one of a hundred or so that collectively on this receiving end is extremely overwhelming when I'm vulnerable.
     
• Additionally, friends new + old... I know that you care + that you are there for me, if/when I need it. Let me say that I appreciate it + that I will call you, if I need to talk. Thank you for your support. No need for the reminder to 'call you if I need to' at this time.
   
• Furthermore, I already have a great support system in place: I'm still seeing my counselor every two weeks (which will probably become weekly for a while) + I'm not living alone or out on the street. Please do not try to force your way into being a part of my support system... that's my choice, not yours.
   
• Lastly, I am merely extending the courtesy to be in-the-know a bit so you understand why I'm not online as much, posting my usual plethora of topics as much or or out + about as much as normal. My sharing does not equal a cry for help. This is my newest attempt to head off an over-reaction by all on Fb as happened the last time around. Reference blog posts: Demystifying {My} Depression + Not on Facebook.

I'm Stephie Effing-Serious Swanson... er, Rexroth
I don't do ultimatums often, but this is my line in the sand. I need to reserve all the meager energy I have right now to focus on me (rest, relaxation, re-evaluation, re-focus), not on anyone/everyone else.

Stay on your side of the boundary + we'll be cool beans. Cross it + you'll be demoted: friend >> acquaintance >> dead to me. I've done it before, I'll do it again... Got it? :P

Because I know one or two of you out there will go mad with worry + do something extreme, I offer this, equally extreme word of warning... if you don't heed my guidelines, I swear to the Sweet Baby Jesus that I'll hunt you down when I am 100% again. I'm not sure what I'll do exactly... but the uncertainty of my crazy rage is more frightening than any death threat that I can offer.

Please, don't push me or test me... K?

K.

*Deep cleansing breath... one more for good measure*

Let's move on, shall we?


What does all this mean?
No occupying... canceling all extra meetings... less time online... much more self-care.

Basically, anything not Demystify related is officially on hold for the next 2 weeks. The world will not end while I'm on a mental health breakie.

I'm still working, which is therapeutic because of the sweet little doggie faces. I'm still on for LTD2012 trip to NYC, which I'm still psyched about + think it will be beneficial as a time away from crazy life. I'll still be blogging as well... I think. Any posts will be searchable via #LIR2012 on Twitter. 

I'm not going on the lam, but I will be laying low for a little while. Please respect my space + need to recuperate.

Last of all... I won't look down upon or reject any good thoughts, good energy or good hard crossing of fingers/toes for me that this breakie does the trick to stop the spiral down + kickstart the spiral up.

Thanks in advance. Looking forward to catching up + reconnecting with all of you when I'm on the upside again.

Keep on keeping on, peeps:)