See also: "You just need to... take this pill" "... sleep more/less/better" "... eat more/less/better" "... pray more" "... relax" "... stop worrying so much" "... [fill in the blank here with your fave well-meaning yet overly simplistic advice that you've repeatedly received over the years in the aims to magically cure your problem of being anything that diverges from 'the norm']"
There is no 'cure' for mental illness
It may seem like a harsh reality, but it's more harmful to hold onto the false hope of a cure than to accept the truth. I look at it this way: there's no cure because mental illness is not a disease. Every human alive has emotions; emotions are not the enemy, but they can be scary if you have no idea how to manage them.
Most people have a smattering of mental illness with varying degrees of impact on their lives; capabilities + relationships. The lucky ones with milder forms are simply thought to be stubborn, zealous or driven. The unlucky who fall on the severe side of the continuum are labeled bi-polar, borderline, PTSD suffers, autistic or more casually: depressed, anxious, violent or crazy.
Semantics are important; may be detrimental + demoraliozing
Mental illness is a generally encompassing term. Most poor-souls who fall under it are also pigeon-holed w/a specialization in one category: Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, Personality Disorder, Addiction.
Some extra-poor-souls are blessed with co-morbid labels; ex: Generalized Anxiety Disorder w/Major Depressive Episodes (Hey there, that's me?!).
When I read through any of the books/articles on these disorders, I discover that my symptoms could be interpreted to fit all of the above. How lucky am I? There's a few explanations for my interpretation:
- It's possible that everyone exists at the intersection of multiple spectrums; overlapping lines that look like a neat, symmetical starburst or mismatched ones that look like a game of pick-up-sticks gone awry. We are much more complex creators than any category or label can contain or accurately illustrate. But, as humans it's just easier for us to understand the complex by making the mysterious logical, the uncertain certain, the undefinable definable. Usually we try to clarify by drawing simplified models; they're called infographics by designers.
- There is some larger, fully encompassing category for these symptoms that is yet-to-be-defined or discovered.
- I'm a hypochondriac (add that label to the ever growing list).
The surprisingly challenging game of Mental Heath Bingo
I playfully refer to my mental mix described above in #1 as Mental Health Bingo. When I get around to illustrating my card, I'll simply place the sketch here:
 |
| [IAPO = Image for Amusing Placement Only]. |
For now, imagine a card with each space housing one category (anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc) +/or individual symptoms (racing thoughts, lethargic body, under-eating, over-indulging, suicidal thinking/tendencies, intense outbursts, non-expressive/blank, isolated, over-stimulated, non-communicative, excessively negative, self-loathing, burned out).
Your free space that strings all the spaces together is to be filled in with any environmental factor from your life: chaotic/stressful childhood, traumatic event/experience (verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse; bullied in school; death of a loved one; divorce; military service in wartime; etc.), physical illness, financial troubles or any other creative variety of stress.
I 'win' bingo on my card 6+ ways... chips look like an X with a square around it. Seriously, it's not a game you'd wish your worst enemy to have to play, let alone win. First prize: a lovely white coat with fabulous straps + decorative buckles; extra long sleeves make it all the rage this winter.
Better terminology, better understanding, better treatment
In the spirit of point #2, I prefer to call all of the symptoms + categories on my bingo card 'emotional dysregulation' instead of labeling any of it as an 'illness'.
(Note: thanks to the silly pharmaceutical push to enable aging men to stay youthful, viral stags for eternity; ED has a much different meaning than emotional dysregulation. Thus, I begrudgingly type it out each time to avoid any confusion. Grrr.)
You'll note from the lists of symptoms above, that when the chips are placed on a row of symptoms, those symptoms can collectively seem paradoxical. How does one have both a racing mind + lethargic body? If you just look at the label of depression as unipolar symptoms of mind/body, it's not possible. But, how many people do you know ever fit perfectly into a predetermined category?
Through reading the excellent book, Yoga for Emotional Balance, by Bo Forbes (a clincial psychologist as well as practicing yoga therapist), I've finally discovered that I have mixed anxiety/depression. My mind can be so anxious + restless, which when in overdrive produces so much flight-or-flight chemicals. After a week or so of non-stop fear-of-imaginary-death, eventually results in burnout + depression in my body. I can also have an anxious, restless body, but a sluggish depressed mind. AND they can flip-flop weekly/daily/hourly depending on the amount of stress that I'm under.
Thankfully the last three chapters of that yoga book also outlines breathing exercises + sequences of relaxing, restorative yoga poses to address an anxious mind/body, a depressed mind/body or a mixture of both. The sequences are designed to meet you where you are each day. You're also taught how to evaluate your mind/body state as well through mindfulness meditation. All very practical + very easy to implement. As usual, practice makes perfect.
Stress: the Murderer of Meek + Mighty
The topic of stress that I touched upon is a nice transition to wrapping up this post + my stream-of-consciousness.
Any of the vulnerabilities that you may have from genetic inheritance or from troubled life-experiences will all bubble to the surface + boil over, scalding your life + those around you, when over the flames of stress.
Furthermore, once ignited, stress accumulates + consumes. Any seemingly small life stressors are the kindling that you add to the initial spark to create a fire. Obligations + responsibilities, even if you enjoy both, become logs you add to the fire because you've left yourself little room to recuperate from the initial stressful situation.
Conveniently, it's when you are most vulnerable + overwhelmed, when those intensely stressful situations or life-crises will come your way. Crises are akin to throwing lighter-fluid or gasoline on your growing campfire. Before you know it, you've got a raging bonfire stacked high as a house, glowing bright for all to see + sending billows of smoke into the sky. (Sigh, I miss the country:)
Beneath the innocent search for a cure is the mismanaged desire to continue living life, business as usual. Problem is, the life you know + have been living has created that all-consuming bonfire that's now spreading to the houses next door + into the forest becoming a California-style wildfire.
Recovery = Transformation
Recover is a lot of work. It's work that is done in small incremental steps, so it is very doable.
What is not doable is to remain unchanged throughout the process. I think we get scared because it can seem like the death of self. It's not. The essence of your being cannot be destroyed.
But, the extra junk that we mistake for our identity -- that our culture has trained us to identify with + highly esteem: our things, our appearance, our status, our careers, etc. -- is temporary, disposable + much less valuable than we think. It's that junk that gets destroyed in the wildfire of our stressful lives.
Curiously, when those extras are burned to ashes, we're much happier, lighter, freer than we could ever imagine.
I've gone through huge life changes in the pursuit of recovery. Let me be clear, I did so kicking + screaming just like anyone else would. Change is scary, uncertain, fear-inducing. My fave quote from Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Non-Conformity, is early in the book, from Chapter 3: Smashing Through the Brick Wall of Fear:
"All things being equal, we generally resist change until the pain of making a switch becomes less than remaining in our current situation... To break the cycle, the fear of the unknown has to become less than the stale acceptance of the current situation. There are two ways to make this happen: 1) Increase the pain of the current situation. 2) Decrease the fear of the desired situation. Sometimes we don't get a choice in deciding between the two options."
Freedom is in Letting Go
The stress of my life has intensified the pain of my current situations; making my decision to change for me. It's why I look upon my depressive episodes with a bittersweet appreciation. If not for the pain of them, I would not have made the changes that have freed me from so many oppressors.
The transformation continues as I continue down the ever-windy road of recovery. Bumps + bumbles are all a part of the process. It just becomes a little easier to progress now that I am lighter, less burdened, less inhibited than before.
No longer weighed down with the physical + metaphorical junk that really doesn't matter. But, now with a greater appreciation of the things, people + experiences that truly do matter.
Contrary to popular opinion + wisdom of the masses, change. is. good.
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